Lost in the mist and crying out for help

One night it was 1:30 in the morning and I was about ready to go home I just had to take one last call. When I got there I received a message saying you’re picking up my girlfriend and she’ll be out in a minute. I waited for a minute and there she was. She threw her stuff in the car and then got in. She seemed quite troubled then I said how’s your day been? She said really really bad. I said, I get that. There are a lot of us struggling right now and I explained to her my situation with my company and why am driving.

While we were talking initially she said I feel something special talking to you and I knew what she was feeling, I was feeling it too. There was a certain spirit in the car that she was feeling. I could feel almost desperation and panic in her as it collided with the spirit and saw her desperation and panic begin to ease almost immediately.

As she sat there she said “I feel like I need to tell you about my life and why I am where I am.” The spirit told me that this was a good opportunity to listen. She told me that she had lived in New York and been a make up artist on Broadway. She had been very successful and made a lot of money. She paid cash for her first house when she was 21.

The success of New York had brought with it other challenges. Her challenge of choice was drugs. In New York she had the money to buy the drug she wanted and live that lifestyle but eventually that came to an end and she bottomed out. Instead of cocaine and marijuana she had turned to meth. This drug had turned her life on her head.

She got into rehab and had done so well that she became an officer in the company that provided rehab opportunities to addicts. Then it all came crashing down.

Part of the time she was homeless, part of the time she was living in drug hotels and part of the time she was moving from one guy’s apartment to the next guys apartment being used in exchange for drugs.

I caught her in the midst of one of these moves. She said, the only thing that gave her the confidence to look in the mirror and see value in herself was the meth.

She said she couldn’t go home because the word home had no meaning to her because she had lost every home she’s ever had. Apparently she had said some pretty mean things to her mother as well but her mother wrote her the sweetest text saying that she knew it was the drugs talking and not her and expressing her love. By this point she was despondent and sad.

I had the distinct impression and a witness that I was dealing with a member of the church. I said, how long has it been since you’ve been to church? I had a distinct impression that she was a member of the church and as always the spirit was right. She said a looooong time. I told her that part of the answer to her problem was getting closer to God and that happened at church.

I talked to her about how as human beings our natural state is to have the spirit of God with us. We crave his presence. I said that it is the most basic and fundamental yearning for our spirit to be in the presence of its father.

I told her that Satan has a counterfeit for that and it’s called drugs. I told her that many of my friends who have used drugs have informed me that it is the second most spiritual experience they have ever had. I told her that with drugs Satan replicates and counterfeits the spirit and the feelings of the Spirit by unworthy and evil means.

She said, “that’s exactly what it feels like “. I told her that Satan uses this to drag her down and that the only way out is to replace that counterfeit with the real thing. The Spirit of God.

The Holy Ghost was in the car with us and I could tell she was feeling it and I know that I was. She had begun to look up instead of down and engage in the conversation eagerly.

She said she hated going to church because it seemed like everybody there just wanted to judge her. I asked her where she lived, she said all over. Then I asked her why she needed to go to a ward where they knew her and could judge her. If she went to a ward where they didn’t know her, they wouldn’t be judging her at all. I told her what David O’Mckay said about the sweetest smell in Sacrament meeting being cigarette smoke. I told her that everyone there has sins and if they all had a smell, masks in the chapels would be a permanent fixture. She laughed and said she really never thought about it that way.

I told her about when the people didn’t want to sit near us because our children were noisy that we went early so that we could make sure we sat by them every time. I told her to never allow anyone to determine how you are going to worship. Letting someone offend you and change your behavior based on that offense only gives over your power to them. I told her not to let them win. To stand up and own it.

I figured that was bold and I wondered if it would go over well, and it did she said, “that’s exactly how I need to be “just go and even though I feel judged realize that they to have sins and it’s all good. I told her to imagine that those people who she felt had judged her so harshly at some point would have to come to her and ask for her forgiveness and she better be we willing to forgive them because that’s how it works.

I told her that life isn’t fair and that some people get one thing as a trial and other people get another trial and this was hers. I told her that it is Christ that makes it fair and I used the analogy of the glasses. A mother will come in and take from one glass and pour into the other and then from another glass to make sure that it’s all equal. That’s not how God does it. He just comes in with a new pitcher of water and fills them all up. He makes it so that everything is fine if we trust in him and his atonement.

I went into detail about the atonement. I talked about how Christ had suffered for everything, for the pain she feels, for the humiliation she feels, for the loneliness she feels, and for the desperation she feels. He bled from every pore so that she wouldn’t have to suffer if she would look to him. I told her that if she would look to him it would help fill that hole in her soul that currently she was filling with meth.

She said, that is so cool. I thought it was just for repentance. I said that through the repentance process she could become a new person and totally turn away from that life. She said she wanted that very much.

I looked at her and her face had a different look. It looked like a little girls face where before I hadn’t seen it like that. To me it looked like a little girls face.

Following the promptings of the spirit I told her that there are a lot of reasons people turn to drugs in their lives. I said, many times you’ve been hurt by someone who you trusted and the pain is overwhelming. You hide it or try to cover it up instead of turning to God. I said I felt like that was her. Then I had a very strong prompting to turn to her and say, “I know you were abused when you were a child and it hurt you deeply, I want you to know that it hurt your father in heaven too and that he was sad, hurt and angry for what that person did to you. I told her he wanted to hold her in his arms. I told her Jesus had felt her pain and they were waiting there to help her through the pain, hurt, humiliation, embarrassment and anger. She didn’t have to bear it alone anymore and lose herself in drugs.

She started to cry and said that she was abused the night of her 10th birthday and that ever since she had been messed up by all of those emotions I had discussed. She said she hadn’t known what to do and that no one knew about it so no one knew how to address it. She said “somehow you know and that couldn’t have come from anyone but God. I should listen to what you’ve said.”

I told her that God knows her, he loves her and he will never forsake her. I told her that Satan had been lying to her about this for the last 20 years. He had been telling her that God didn’t care and that people in the church were judging her. He wanted to keep her from turning to God and the atonement.

I told her she needed to go to church, talk to the bishop and get some help. I told her Jesus loved her and that he through his servants would be able to help her reclaim her faith and trust that was taken from her at such a young age. I told her that there were people that worked with addiction recovery and there were counselors that could help her recover and that all this could be put in motion by her bishop.

She told me that she was sure that God had sent me to her that night. I told her I was sure of it too and that if we’re willing to say the words God puts in our hearts he will use us to be a messenger to other people. I told her to imagine the good she could do and the powerful testimony she could bear of God, Jesus Christ and their love for us after walking back with them into the fold. She said she wanted that more than anything. I said it’s right there for you if you want it. There are people there to help you get it and God, your father is waiting to help you at all times.

The spirit was extraordinary and I could see in her face the woman she could be. The cool thing is she could feel and see that vision of herself for the first time in years or maybe ever.

Then her boyfriend called and said, where are you? She said, “don’t bug me, I’m talking to my driver.” I laughed and said that God was constantly reaching out to people through others. I told her about this blog and she looked it up and followed it. She said she would love to read it as she’s coming back.

So i know you’re reading this and I want you to know that what we felt in that car that night was real and that God loves you. He is there for you. Never forget that. We will pray for you as you take the steps. It won’t be easy but Christ will walk with you.